I've been getting a little more depressed every day that I'm awake.

I can't really say what started this feeling, but, it almost seems like everything is overwhelming me and eating me alive.

My job leaves me with nothing at the end of the day.  I hate it for the fact that I won't progress and no one notices my work skills.  I like it only cause I know how to do everything in my job.

This LTD group has gotten Ashley and myself no where and now we are going to a business function in the last weekend of October.  At first, I really wanted to go, but now I really don't want to, but the room has been paid for and thinking back, it set back Ashley and myself $500 for something that may or may not benefit us.

I wish that if this really did work the way it did, why hasn't it happened yet?  It doesn't help that we know exactly what our "upline" sponsors will say to us and that angers me cause their responses never change.

And this whole thing with Ireland has just got me to think if I'm rushing things is all.

I really don't know.  I love Ashley a whole lot, but it sometimes feels like she has everything already planned out and I somehow how feel like I'm trying to catch up, but I just can't.  I just keep getting left behind.

I'm scared that I'm really not what she wants me to be, cause quite frankly, I don't know who I am supposed to be.

I'm just getting more and more depressed each day that I don't have an answer to all these thoughts and questions.

It's hard waking up each day to go someplace or do something that you have no energy to do.

It's even more difficult to try and hide your feelings or even try to express to those who you want to protect.

What else is there really to say?  The subject pretty much sums up a lot of what I'm trying to think of.  This business group I'm apart of is nice, but kind of vexing at the same time.

My life feels like it's crashing into my face right now and Ashley seems to get into fights with me more often than not.  Although I guess, I don't better the situation 'cause I fight back.

Primarily, I don't want to look weak to her I suppose.

I don't know if I'm whats making Ashley hurt inside.  I tell her I love her and I truly tell her from the bottom of my heart I think she's amazing.

A lot of times I feel like just sleeping all day.  Work and living for the dollar takes too much out of me that I just can't cope with it.

I really want LTD to be Ashley's and my solution to getting out of a bad life, but it's just taking time that I'm afraid is eating me and her alive.

I just don't know where I should be right now.  I'm always a little confused.

 So far today, it had gone well.  I had my chores and other daily things to do until up around 4:00PM.

Ashley tells me that she has been having a terrible day and I did indeed feel bad.  We sit down and I wanted to enjoy her break with her, but instead she insists that I stop hanging around certain individuals 'cause I'll end up taking on their habits and therefore will be bad for our business.

I'm getting kind of irritated at her for trying to come down on me about what is right or wrong about the business or whatever.

To me, what she is telling me to do is hang around people who lead you into success.  While I see nothing wrong with that it limits who I can call friend or not.  EVERYONE I know isn't in this business and therefore not successful; therefore NOT my friend according to Ashley.

I don't disagree with the fact that YOU CAN pick up BAD HABITS, but for her to tell me NOT to be with certain individuals, pretty much means that no matter what I'll pick up BAD HABITS.

Example: 

I hang around ONE person who drinks.  I will drink.

I hang around ONE person who smokes.  I will smoke.

I hang around ONE person who is young.  I am therefore young.

It's almost a 100% success rate of ME being JUST LIKE THEM.

I, however, know I am smarter than that and I know what habits are good and bad.  EVERYONE has bad habits.
I bite my nails.  I know I have that, but I didn't PICK IT UP from someone else.

It's really frustrating hearing whatever she has to say and have it come out like SHE IS RIGHT and no matter what I say is WRONG.

I try to tell her these sort of things, but she sort of disregards them.  I really wish she would sit down, think of WHO SHE IS, BEFORE "advising me" how to live my own life.

The information we've been given in the business has been great, but I feel like she has gone hardcore over it all.

I truly believe people should be able to pick and choose their friends.  Habits don't spread unless you choose to pick them up.

So, am I not allowed to go on the computer or what?  I really don't understand why Ashley gets so mad at me when I'm not doing anything wrong or just anything at all.

It actually really irks me when I just want to go online or something and she just gets mad.

She tells me she thinks other guys are hot sometimes.  I rarely say anything about women on TV cause I figure she doesn't want to hear it and besides I don't care about that.

To me, it feels one-sided on the things she can do to the things I can do.

I'm currently reading the book; Rich Dad Poor Dad, by Robert T. Kiyosaki.

I've read it for about an hour straight so far and by god it's actually one of the only business related books that I've really come to enjoy.  It's full of great ideas and theories that really get you to think of where you are and how you are.

I blame my job for where I am today.  That's how a lot of people are.  They blame something else for where they are.  They believe a lot of the times they are being overworked and don't get what they are worth, but just kinding of thinking about it, they are getting what they are paid for IMO.

I work at the local deli getting a cool $7.75 an hour.  What does that mean to me?  To me, it tells me I'm getting paid adequately, but I feel I could be using more.  I blame the corporation for the situation it puts me in with my money.

In reality, I am getting paid everything I am working for.  I am the one who is working those 30 some hours.  I am the one who gets his paycheck.  And I am the one who continues the process.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, from where I am right now, I shouldn't be criticizing the company I work for.  Instead I should not worry a whole lot about my money and THINK harder on areas where I could be acting smarter.

A new job won't fix it.  That's what I think.  I'm caught in the "trap" or at least that's what it's referred to by in the book.  I'm blind sided and not looking at opportunities.

As of right now, I'm looking at ways of trying to save a little around the house.  Since Ashley and I are Independent Business Owners there are a few things we are allowed to write off.

Here are some I've researched:

TRAVEL EXPENSES
CELL PHONE BILL
HOME OFFICE COMPUTER
RENT
PERSONAL EXPENSES

Mind you that these are only write offs when dealing with the business.

I think the big picture in everyone's mind's is if you can save, save even a little, wouldn't do that?

Off the top of my head, I think the travel expenses would come into fair game.

Cell Phone Bill . . . not as much unless I'm calling our up or down line often.

Our computer we use for our business, but not for long periods of time.

Rent is a big one and one I wanted to ask our up line about.  According to an article I've read here's the advice it gave:

• Expert Opinion: "If your landlord is an individual or unincorporated business, such as a partnership or LLC," says Ennico, "you may have to send IRS Form 1099 to your landlord in January of each year showing how much of your rent you're deducting."

• How to Do It Right: To ensure that you handle this deduction appropriately, it's a good idea to check with your accountant for details.

Now I know I don't have an accountant we've only been renting for a few months, but . . . I think it's a fair shot.  I might be stupid though considering I hardly understand all the rules that apply with money, but I'm willing to learn and I feel bad for pushing Ashley's ideals away for so long.

She's right and I need to listen to her more.

I do think she's the smarter of the two of us, but she needs me to keep herself in check.

I think I've been doing well today.  Decided to actually run errands in town instead of sitting still.

Got a fan to cool Ashley and myself off this summer.  Bought a few things at Econo.  Cleaned up the apartment and listened to 2 of the CDs our second job offered us.

That leaves me with one more CD and a book to read when I get around to it.

Not much of an update today, but hrm, when there's more on my mind I guess my fingers will do the work for me.

I like to go on YouTube every now and then and find people who do covers of songs I enjoy listening to.  Not necessarily just lyrical songs, but even musical scores from video games.  A lot of times I'll find clips of very mediocre playage and I'll just skip onto the next video.

I think there have been one or two people I enjoyed watching.  They played a lot of video game music and some from a few Hayao Miyazaki films and those blew me away.

It gave me motivation to be as good as them.

I'll be saving up as much money as I can to buy a BRAND NEW guitar as opposed to a used one like I've been getting for a while.  Each used guitar I buy sounds worse and worse no matter what strings I use on it.

That's just wear and tear I suppose.  And I think I've made up my mind to get a Classical.  I think.  If I can't find one in my price range I will get another Acoustic, but I'd buy the special finger picks.  I'm not sure if thimbles count. xP

Heh, anyway, I want to get better at everything.

I never was a HUGE Zelda fan.  I played the original that started it all, A Link to the Past and Link's Awakening with great joy, but after it left the 2-D scene I never really played them all that much.

Now though, it's a bit different.  Ashley wanted me to try Majora's Mask at least once and finish it all the way through before I say that it's not fun or not good.

I had and well I have to say that she's right.  It is pretty fun and challenging and all that jazz.  I suppose after that though, I just more interested in playing the whole series.

I downloaded A Link to the Past and The Minish Cap onto our computer.  I will eventually get the other games in the series (Link's Awakening, Oracle of Ages/Seasons, but possibly not Four Sword and whatever else requires more people. xP).

There's my Zelda Fix. =P

Now all that's left after I finish these is to get a Wii for Twilight Princess.

Today, I finally got off my lazy bum and retrieved my bike from my parents' house that my dad bought for me years ago.  It's in nice condition and a nice shade of red.

My bike is gonna help me NOT be 5 minutes late to work everyday!  (Running 4 City Blocks takes a lot out of ya!)

It'll be more fun this summer, too, when Ashley gets her bike and we can go on bike rides all over town.  I think for me whenever I feel I'm up to it, I might take some time to bike into Kasota and back as part of weekly exercise or something.

That's another thing I have to stick to.  I haven't been very good lately with my own muscle building workouts.  I can't weight train since I have no weights so for the most part I've been using what I have around me and my Perfect Push-Up thingers.

I also got started in this business a few days ago and I'm really hoping it's going to change my and Ashley's life for the better.  I think we're really deserving of a great life together and that we should be able to live how we want to.

I learn a lot from her and I somewhat hope she learns a few things from me. ^_^;;

Now I got to get back to cleaning. -_-

Oh well, a clean home is a happy home! ^_^  NYA!

Today is my mother's and little sister's birthday.  Yeah, they share the same birthday.  Oddly enough, it's set 40 years apart.  Made remembering their age fairly easy.  My older sister, Sarah, was planning on cooking food for everyone at my parents house today, but I guess things changed and she had to move it tomorrow.

I'm not sure if I can go tomorrow now that I think about it.  I have plans with Ashley to go see that guy who got us involved this business thing.

I did, however, call my mom and wished her and Megan a happy birthday and apologized that I couldn't be there.

I love my mom, she's really wonderful.  I haven't really gave her enough credit for being there all the time and not really getting mad at all.  Only times I can remember her being mad was when I or someone else in the family was acting like a spoiled brat.

Oh yeah, she turns 58 today while Megan turns 18.

I haven't been able to think of anything worth writing about lately.

You know, faith holds a huge part in life.  I'm not the kind of person who needs to believe in God or a god or what have you.

I wouldn't say that being narrow-minded is the thing, it's not that I am, I'm fairly open minded, I just don't believe that something like that exists.  I mean, why should magic exist?  And faeries, orcs, goblins and all that stuff?

To me, religion is like fantasy for those whose imaginations and wills aren't strong enough.

I'm not bashing it or anything.  Just that believing in something or someone you don't know exists is pointless.

When I was younger about 8 or so, my parents brought me to sunday school.  I never knew what it was, but there were kids there that were my age so I thought it was cool.  I don't go anymore (obviously), but I don't remember when I stopped going.

I learned about God there and honestly, I didn't really pay attention.  Hell, I don't really remember all the stories they told us either.

Where I am in life is because of me not because of God.  I think that's what I'm really trying to say I guess.

Well, I'm terrible at writing and getting thoughts down since I go every which way, but . . . yeah.

Ending it here.

April.  Hrm, this month has been truly difficult I have to admit. 

There is one thing I have happy about and that is how I feel about my girlfriend Ashley.  I love her to every fiber of my being and she is someone I really do cherish in this world.

I know I make my mistakes and fumble around a bit too much for one's worth, but deep down I think I'm an alright kind of person.

I may not be that smart or anything, but I just try.

We've been kind of short on cash this month and to make ends meet we had to set a budget and sell some of our possessions.  At first, it really depressed me, but the more I thought about it . . . I'd be unhappy if I didn't sell the things that I sold.

Her and I have been through so much and I know there's nothing we can't get through if we stick together.

I spoke with an LTD group leader I suppose is what I'd call him.
He went over a few more things with me to make sure I want to into this 100%.  I'm not exactly sure what sort of business venture this is, but honestly, if it works out for me then that's all that matters.

I need something to help cool down all these I guess I would say financial problems.
(At least I'm not borrowing money from a Loan Shark!  Eep!)

May should be better.

It's also coming closer to Ash's and my 2 year anniversary! <3

I kind of do miss my guitar.  I miss being able to play it.  I know that I had to sell it for the apartment and that the apartment is far more important, because Ashley and I can't live in my guitar.

And I've been thinking about which guitar I'd rather play more, the acoustic or the electric.

Each is a bit different.  I love the sound of the acoustic, but it doesn't have the edge that the electric.

I love how the electric feels in my hands and when I play it, but it lacks background sound.

Acoustics are also a little cheaper, I think.

I have one that's broken right now and I'm thinking about fixing it, but I'm not really sure how to go about it.

Oh well, for now I have to save up my money.

Whenever I am home by myself, I usually listen to whatever I have on my project playlist.

It's mostly Radiohead.  Anyway, I always sing along 'cause I think its really fun and I think that somehow if I just keep singing I'll get better.

I don't think I have a great singing voice, but I think I still have range and pitch.

 I wish I had natural talent like some people, but I still try.

It's a hopeless dream, but I do want to have music be something more than just something I listen to.

Ya know, when I hear myself talk sometimes, at first I think "Oh, what a nice and considerate guy!"  Then I think about it a little more and I realize I don't make decisions quick enough or I take too long to consider it all.

I can see how that would upset someone, since I have to be a guy about things.  I like to think that, "If you're sad, I'm sad.  If you're happy, then it's all that matters to me."

I guess a lot of the times when I ask if someone is sure or not is to see the smile on their face.  I'm a little stubborn, too about how I go about that.

I can't help it, really. ^^;

I feel bad about it a lot of the times and I always feel like I should make it up to them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Econofoods.

You know . . . as much as I hate working there, it's probably the easiest job I've ever had.  Worked since late July of last year and now I slack off more than I really work.  I mean I don't ever not do work, I just don't go at it at a hundred percent.

There are a few things throughout the day that irk me:
-  All the "African-American" individuals who come in and ask for dollar amounts of food and pay with EBT.
-  Customers who come in and take moldy bread and hand it off to you and expect you to do something about it when it's clearly not your department
-  People and chicken

That's just a few things off the top of my head.

Other than that, I just work there, because as of now it's the best paying job for supporting my lovely girlfriend Ashley and myself.

Who am I?  I am Arlen Sinarath.  A high school graduate of 2005 with a job at a grocery store, working for their Deli Department.

It's been a good 3 years since I graudated and in that time there was a whole lot I wanted to do. 

Go to college, get a great paying job, be the center attention I guess in a nutshell, but you know what?  No matter how much I had thought about that, I never really took any steps to going that route.

A lot changed towards myself and not in the following months after high school, but a year after.

I met someone.  Someone I find to be very very special to me.  From her, I learned a lot about things I never knew, things about myself and my capabilities.

Right now, where we are . . . is a resting place right now.  We live in an apartment to ourselves.  We've done a lot of things we've done on our own and I feel great pride in knowing that we didn't have help.

It reassures me that as long as we have each other, we'll be alright.

So who will I be in the next five years?  I'm not sure, but I think that when it comes around I'll be happy standing there with her.